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sing it out loud
So she said what's the problem, baby?.what's the problem, I don't know well maybe, I'm in love love. makes me wanna turn around and face it but I don't know nothin' 'bout love, woah~ |
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about this blog
This blog was opened by Anne Ng to accomodate her mind's silly musings and her daily rantings.Do enjoy your stay here, and don't take what's not yours! tagboard
affiliates
Nanyang.Past VERA! Laura/yabulollygabah Grace Shannon Baboonz.Present Rei's dead Ben's "coolness" Seth's Ego Eugene's Writing Raju.Past Nikki! Heidi Nurul Amanda Christina Princess Renee YiMin Dora RGS.Present Nadia Deepa Alch Charmaine Kimberley Heng Yeng! OMlettes.Forever Leti Ashlynna WINNIE!!! Jiao Odds and Ends KAM TING! Mirabel JTan Victoria(AVPA) Church.Forever Edna Melissa from Catechism CHEESEEEEEE Links to Happier Places the FAV site of FANFIC the official site of HAPLAND archives
credits
Design: doughnutcrazyIcon: morphine_kissed Do credit accordingly if you changed the icon. |
when you look to your right and to your left you realise that nothing that ever happened to you ever mattered that much. thinking about it, I can't believe I cried at spOM on Saturday. It was just stupid and cruel and guilt-tripping of me to do that. I now understand why Miss Tan hates people crying. It's pathetic and stupid. thinking about it, I'll never cry EVER AGAIN about something as stupidstupidstupid as love. because it's not worth it. dilly dally shilly shally! thinking about it, I realise that there's nothing left to think about. you cross the road and still get banged down by that car! Dammit! when all things end I smile and wait as I see the sun fall to its watery grave in the ocean that will never contain it. I sit back and watch creation fall to its created ruin and skyscrapers scrabble to keep up and, inevitably, fall like dominoes. The strangest feeling of peace amidst desolation and destruction fills me with warmth and - Ouch. So much for writing about the end of the world. It'll be something like that I think. I might see it one day...if I'm not crumbling to dust by then. Oh wells. I want to stand and say I've done the best that I can. funny, don'tcha think? sometimes, when you let things get to your heart (not your mind, when you can still process things, or your stomach which can digest and see what it likes and what it'll discard.) they are the very things that, once taken away, leaves you like a balloon without anymore air inside it. hollow, deflated and utterly bored of everything in the world. now, I cling to FF.Net, which hasn't lost all its charms, thankfully. it shall continue to be the one constant in the ever-changing life. oh, how utterly melodramatic. also, I think back to all the times I used to be all swoony and happy and could watch Juno and laugh and laugh and laugh and take notes because it would help me do better for _____. I shall not say it. I cannot. I should not. I will not. we did our best, but that doesn't mean that it's good enough. and that's what hurts. should I have been better? that's something I'll consider for the rest of my life with contempt and just the slightest pinch of wry laughter. in other news, anne's geography pt is calling her for it is not done and anne should go get her mother's swimming cap from the ____ corner and her thumbdrive from class tomorrow. yes, indeedy. (but help you will needy) what about now now that the pain has somewhat dulled. i really really want a reason to continue doing OM. oh crap, GIRO form. brb. --- back. physics pt is out to get my soul, fanfiction is rearing its disgustingly tempting head and the last 100 days got shortlisted. amazing day, isn't it? how was om? you dare ask me that question? I will hit your face into the ground before I can gasp out a "silver and hell I'm not proud of it." they say it's OKAY, you were WONDERFUL, your team was AMAZING and you did your BEST. and all I feel inside is: whatever. sure. you mean our best wasn't good enough? and damn does that make me sob like a broken fire hydrant. if that's what you want, by all means, say what you want. if you don't want me PMS-ing on you...I suggest you refrain. (OM, I miss you so much. I miss you so freakin' much it hurts like a fresh bruise that won't go away and I keep pressing it to make sure I feel that hurt bubble up again because I don't want to forget you even if that means I'm masochistic.) oh. it was great. really. what does it feel like? to know they never really wanted you in the first place, and because of one slip, one note, one word, one hesitation, a million regrets, you never made the cut. (DAMMIT 2 POINTS DAMMIT.) I will cry during class tomorrow. to know that you've lost the last chance you had to show the world you were worth their hopes. because things never work out it didn't use to matter. they got in. oh gods they got in. i should feel happy. feelhappyfeelhappyfeelhappyfeelhappy but i can't. how does it feel like, knowing that you've been left behind, excluded, closed off, and you know why and you can't help the situation anymore by crying baby tears, but you want to, you need to, because you're frustrated and there's no one left to blame. you're pointing fingers all around, but somehow it always comes back to point at you. your fault. your fault. yourfaultyourfaultyourfault and you feel disappointment, regret and that spark of anger that blooms into tongues of fire that rage and rage and rage and you feel like killing something, burning something, so you don't feel too alone, or too frenetic. and damn, do you feel lousy or what. when you're in OM. it's like... I feel happy. Very very happy. Because what we did was our best, and what ACS (I) did deserved to win. AND RGS(S) GOT 6 GOLDS OUT OF THE 9 TEAMS WE SENT IN! -- I feel angry. Very very angry. Because our seniors REALLY deserved to win. They should've, could've, WOULD'VE, had it NOT been for some sneaky, racist, vulgar, crude ACS(I) geeks. -- It's fine. I accept that we got 2nd, and that my friends were better than us in some ways. Anyway, for a two-week thing, I'm pretty satisfied. -- Satisfied? I hardly know the MEANING of the word now. It's not fair that we had 12(!) competitors and they only had, what, 5? -- ACS(I) deserved to win what they did. -- ACS(I) shouldn't have won, if only because it would give Singapore a bad name at the World Finals. -- We lost. -- At something I'd always wanted to do well in. -- ANGST DANGNABBIT GO AWAY! hello there. are you a friend? do I not have to breathe to stay alive? I made sure I was the one thing standing between you and dropping out completely. I made sure you would always have someone, hecktate, I even changed myself so I could fit you. And I'm sorry if I was with the Levites that day in March Camp when they talked about you. I'm sorry if I kept this from you so long that it's built up to this. I'm sorry if I held back slapping and kicking and shaking you to tell you that no one's got the patience to hold out with a girl who changes her mind with a snap and hates people like poison if they say something wrong while going around preaching that we must reallyreallyreally forgive others. if you don't make the effort, who's going to like you, for you, in the long run? I think I have the answer. You should be smart enough to know it too. if you hate me for this, I guess I can't help it. you're great, awesome as some people would say, but you don't really have an inkling on how to be nice to people. you want people to like you then you put in the effort to make yourself liked. It's a lousy world we live in, so deal with it. what d'you want? tell me it's been a hard three days in my life, and certainly the most draining I've experienced this year. sometimes, I wonder if caring for people is really worth it. - anneanne? tell me honestly, do you really believe in love? - I guess, ohgoshthissoundssostrangeandego, that sometimes it's painful but fulfilling and I like caring for others because then they care for me, in some way or another. and love is a great feeling, so loving is, to me, better than being loved. - yeah whatever - because when your heart is open, love will always find its way in. - love is....overrated - when the going gets tough, hang on for dear life and HECK the pain, sometimes, it's better to weather the storm and get hurt than to be called the coward who didn't try. now the night is near To think, I've been living in a dream, only just woken to reality harsh and unbearably true. Maybe things were never perfect, just me, trying to make them that way. Maybe people were never perfect, just me, trying to believe so. Maybe times were never perfect, just me, trying to see it like it was. Maybe I wanted to have a perfect life of perfect smiles and perfect... birthdays. I'm preparing for Saturday, not a Friday. For death, not a celebration of life. For an unlucky number 13, not of the getting rid of it. For a segregated, tired OM team, not family waiting to smile and friends waiting to laugh. For another day, and not a birthday. ---- I want to see something happen. Something magical. Something nonsensical. Something so UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING, that I'll believe in miracles again. I want to see that. Tomorrow. ---- and things are getting darker |